


Shine

by liziscribbles



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Band Leader Ren, College AU, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Ren is a Hot Mess, Self-Worth Issues, Semi-Public Sex, implied anxiety and depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-02-28 10:30:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18754633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liziscribbles/pseuds/liziscribbles
Summary: It's shaking the sky, and I'm following lightning; I'll recover if you keep me alive...Don't leave me behind, can you see me?  I'm shining, and it's you that I've been waiting to find.If Yusuke Kitagawa could have one wish, it would be to know the inner machinations of Ren Amamiya's mind.  If Ren Amamiya could have one wish, it would be for his mind to be less of a mess so he couldshowYusuke what it's like on the inside.  Yusuke is willing to do everything in his power to pull Ren up from the depths of his own despair.  Will Ren be able to meet him halfway?





	1. Under Control

**Author's Note:**

> **PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING THE FIC!**
> 
> Buckle up, friendos! We're in for a _wild_ ride!
> 
> I've been brainstorming this fic for awhile now, and I'm excited to finally share it with you! As you can tell from the tags, there are going to be some mature and adult themes in here! Please don't continue reading if these things are gonna bother you! I made sure to tag things properly, and new tags will be added as new situations arise!
> 
> This is something of a vent fic for me, so I hope you enjoy it with me!
> 
> Thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations), as usual, for betaing and helping me keep the plot from derailing! ♥

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _the room was spinning round,_  
>  _you shuffled me to the door._  
>  _heard you tell your friends, all of them,_  
>  _the lies you told them before..._  
> [under control](https://open.spotify.com/track/0viWRuz7h7EnH8iqJGkAWG?si=6TZaoX2cQViYuhbh1mqRwA) ;; cary brothers  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHFLzfgX-Eo) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/carybrothers/undercontrol.html) }

The late spring breeze whipped Ren Amamiya's unruly hair around, causing a few strands to fall into his eyes. Ren glanced up at the offending strands, before blowing a puff of air upward in a desperate attempt to dislodge them, but all he succeeded in doing was blowing a stream of fruit-and-liquor scented air up his nose. The tickle of air in his nostrils made him laugh quietly. Ren lifted his hand to push his hair out of his eyes.

With his eyes trained upward, Ren caught sight of the clear sky. Not a single cloud marred the late night sky. In another part of Japan, it would've been the perfect night to stargaze. Ren could see the moon overhead and he wondered what time it was. In his quiet contemplation, the liquor in his system conspired against him to make him stumble, and before he realized it, he felt Ann and Ryuji on either side of him. His friends helped him stand steady. Ren vaguely heard Ann voicing her disapproval, but he ignored it, laughed, and thanked them for their help before he shrugged them off and continued to walk on his own.

More often than not, Ren's band finished their set by eleven at night, but tonight was different. Tonight, the crowd seemed to want endless encores. When they left the stage, some audience members offered to buy the band drinks. While Haru and Shiho left quickly, citing early classes the next day, Ren and Ryuji were more than willing to stay behind.

Then again, Ren and Ryuji were _always_ more than willing to stay behind for a drink or two. Or maybe three, if the mood struck them.

Because Ren and Ryuji ended up staying behind, Ryuji's girlfriend Ann opted to stay behind with them, and Ren could hear her mumbling her disapproval of exactly how drunk he was. Fortunately, he was distracted by a punch in the shoulder from Ryuji, which caused him to stumble and almost fall over. Ryuji laughed softly and threw his arm around Ren's shoulders, tugging him back to his feet and helping him stand steady.

"That fuckin' ruled!" Ryuji declared, before reaching with his other arm to put it around Ann's waist and pull her close.

Ren nodded excitedly, ignoring the dizzy feeling the movement caused. "Yeah, we were _awesome_. But, I mean, we're always awesome."

The raucous laughter Ryuji gave in response was louder than usual, given how close Ren's ear was to Ryuji's mouth, but he didn't have time to dwell on that before Ryuji spoke up again. "After-party was fun, too," he added as an afterthought.

"I didn't expect those guys from school to buy us all those drinks," Ren slurred in agreement, "but I wasn't complaining either."

Ann scoffed, pushing away from Ryuji and stuffing her hands into her pockets. "No, you _weren't_ ," she agreed, casting Ren and Ryuji an annoyed glare.

Maybe Ren shouldn't have poked the beehive, but his addled mind couldn't put two and two together. He peered around Ryuji, taking in Ann's posture and facial expression, then turned to Ryuji. "Uh oh. The mad voice," he stage-whispered. It was a desperate man's plea to lighten the mood and bring the pleasant aura back to their conversation, and judging by Ann's expression, it wasn't working in the least.

With her hands on her hips, Ann scoffed. " _Yeah_ , the mad voice! Look at yourself, you idiot! You can't walk straight!"

"He's fine, babe," Ryuji told her. "I'm helpin' him."

Ann wasn't even remotely placated. "Yeah. _You_. You're drunk _too_ , and _you're_ helping him walk straight," she snapped.

"I'm not _that_ drunk," Ryuji countered.

To anyone on the outside, it probably looked like Ryuji and Ann were actually fighting. Ren knew better. Ann had never liked it when Ren and Ryuji got drunk after shows, mostly because she always felt like it fell upon her to keep them out of trouble. No matter how many times Ren had told her that she didn't have to—and he had, dozens of times—Ann always seemed to disagree. Ren understood. Ryuji was her boyfriend, after all. _Ryuji_ should've been her focus, though. Ren could take care of himself. He'd managed to keep himself alive this long on his own, after all.

Ann's annoyed scoff tugged Ren out of his mind. "Ryuji! You tried to wrestle with the bouncer, remember?" she asked incredulously.

"For fun!" Ryuji shot back. "He didn't mind!"

"He. was. glaring. at. you," Ann deadpanned, punctuating each word with a punch to Ryuji's shoulder.

Ren laughed. "Oh yeah, he was _not_ into it!" he agreed.

As Ren laughed, he doubled over. With the sudden change in balance, Ren stumbled over his feet. Unfortunately, instead of catching him this time, Ryuji released Ren from his grip and let him tumble to the pavement. Ren impacted with a smack, though, he managed to catch himself before he smashed his face on the sidewalk. He huffed, pushing himself into a seated position, and glared up at his friend.

"Hey!" Ren cried.

Ryuji met his gaze with a cross expression. "Dude!" he grumbled.

"What? He wasn't!" Ren insisted. "He was trying to do his job, but you wouldn't listen! It was funny, though!"

Ann groaned dramatically and threw her head back. "You guys are both so drunk... Yusuke's gonna be so mad at me," she huffed.

Bewildered, Ren looked up at Ann from his spot on the pavement. The mention of Yusuke took Ren off guard. He thought of his friend, who was waiting for them back at the apartment. Normally, Yusuke would have been at the show. He came to every other one. Tonight, he was working on a painting for one of his classes, so he had to stay behind. It was weird not to see Yusuke when he looked over the crowd. He always stood with Ann and their other friends, talking and occasionally mouthing along with the music. Ren wondered why Ann thought Yusuke would be mad. He was usually with them and he knew this was par for the course on show nights.

"Why would he be mad?" Ren asked.

Ann shrugged. "I promised him I'd stop you from drinking too much," she explained.

"I didn't drink too m—"

Before Ren could even finish, Ann gestured to where he sat and made a face. "Ren. You're sitting on the pavement! Get up, by the way. The ground is gross," she muttered, approaching him and offering a hand to help him up.

Ren accepted her hand and with much struggle, they managed to get him back to his feet. "I only had three—four?—three or four cosmos! Weak ones, too! Not enough to get me drunk," he insisted. "I'm fine, I promise."

"Oh, okay. You're fine. So, you just sit on dirty sidewalks in your spare time and not because you can't walk straight, then?" Ann snapped, before turning her back and walking a few steps ahead of Ren and Ryuji.

An awkward silence fell over the group as they continued their walk back to the apartment. Ann was mad and Ren was annoyed. It wasn't like he was _stupidly_ drunk! Besides, even if he was, they'd just had an awesome show, he deserved a _little_ fun, didn't he? It was no different than any other Saturday, and they were almost home anyway. It really wasn't anything to make a big deal over.

Ryuji looked between them, laughed awkwardly, and put his arm around Ann's waist. "S'fine, Ann," he promised her as he pulled her close. "Ren's not on the ground anymore and we're almost home, so I'm sure Yusuke won't be mad!"

"Not at me, anyway," Ann murmured haughtily.

Ren frowned. Yusuke usually didn't get too mad. Sometimes he worried a little too much, that was all. It wasn't like Ren had a problem or anything. A couple drinks a night on weekends after performances _definitely_ didn't qualify as a problem. He never went to class drunk, and his habits never interfered with his grades. He was perfectly functional. His friends just worried too much.

It took a little too long for Ren to fish his keys from his pocket. He ended up having to navigate around spare yen coins he kept as tips for bartenders, as well as a receipt from the body jewelry shop at the mall. When he finally found his keys, he flashed his electronic key tag in front of the reader and the front gate to their apartment complex buzzed loudly, then opened. Ren stumbled toward the gate to open it. Ann and Ryuji went through first, and Ren closed and locked it behind them.

Silence still lingered over them for the most part. In the relative quiet, Ren could hear Ann and Ryuji whispering. For a second, he felt anxious. It reminded him of back in high school, after he was forcibly outed and suddenly everyone knew his name. In the back corners of his mind, he knew Ann and Ryuji weren't like that, but the memories gnawed at the rational corners and made him wish he was _just a little_ drunker so it wouldn't bother him anymore.

As they head toward the apartment Ren shared with Ryuji and Yusuke, Ann gathered his attention with a hand to his arm.

"What's up?" Ren asked, trying to keep his expression level.

Ann looked chastened, like she was upset with herself. There was a lingering look of concern in her eyes, too. "Hey, I... I'm sorry, alright? I wasn't trying to pick a fight, Ren. I just..." she trailed off, frowned, and looked down at the ground.

Suddenly, Ren felt stupid for worrying that his friends were going to ditch him. He allowed the weakest smile to tug the corner of his lips upward. "I know. You worry," he finished for her.

"Yeah," Ann answered simply.

As Ren waved the concern off, his smile became a little more genuine. "You shouldn't, though. I'm good. I'm fine! Never better!"

Something in Ann's expression told Ren she didn't believe him. She looked sad and worried and Ren had a feeling this wouldn't be the last he'd hear of it. For now, normalcy found its way back as they walked the path to the apartment. "It was a great show, though! After five years watching you guys, I still can't get over how great you all are. Like, the way you work a crowd, Ren?"

Ren smiled. There were a lot of things in his life that he wasn't sure of, but he knew one thing for sure: he was a performer through and through. Ren and Ryuji had started Hysteria back in high school. It started on a whim, after Ryuji heard Ren singing after school. At the time, Ryuji had absolutely no experience with any instruments, but he'd picked the drums up like a natural. After five years of practice, he was the best drummer Ren knew. Their friend Haru played keyboard for them, and Ann's best friend Shiho played guitar. The girls lived across town together, with Haru's girlfriend Makoto.

"Yeah, it fuckin' rocked!" Ryuji interrupted Ren's thoughts, stepping between Ren and Ann and throwing an arm around each of their shoulders.

With a laugh, Ren shrugged. "Should've stage dove, though!" he declared. "I had the _perfect_ opportunity at the end of 'Heart-Shaped Box,' but I didn't take it for some reason."

Ann laughed softly and shoved Ryuji into Ren, making both men stumble. "Idiots," she murmured affectionately.

They fell back into casual conversation as they stepped into the elevator and rode it up to their floor. Ren's mind traveled back to Ann's warning that Yusuke would be mad. Yusuke never really got _mad_ , he just worried. If Ren didn't know better, he would swear that Yusuke worried even more than Ann did sometimes. Yusuke's worry was different from Ann's, though. He was a lot quieter about it, and he usually didn't say much. The only way Ren could tell he was worried at _all_ was the occasional look, or sad silence.

For some reason, the thought of Yusuke caring enough to worry about Ren made him smile. It probably wasn't really something to _smile_ about, but the thought that someone like Yusuke could find it in himself to worry about someone like _Ren_ was something he felt like he didn't deserve.

Ren stumbled out of the elevator and used the nearby wall to keep himself upright as they headed down the hall to their apartment. It was on the far end of the hall, which seemed like a mountain climb away. Ren probably should have cared that he was running his hands along his neighbors' walls and doors, and probably making a lot of noise. It didn't even register on his radar, though. All he could think about was how much he wanted to get home.

By the time they got home, Ren was anticipating seeing Yusuke more than usual. He couldn't wait to tell his friend about the concert, and how excited the crowd got whenever he sang. Concerts were never the same without Yusuke there. If Yusuke had been there, they'd probably have stopped off for burgers at the Big Bang Burger Ryuji worked afterward, but tonight, Ren was glad they hadn't. He wanted to see Yusuke. He fumbled in his pocket for his keys and dropped them on the floor as soon as he pulled them out. Behind him, Ann huffed and frowned. She was obviously still worried.

Eventually, Ren managed to negotiate the apartment door open.

"Yusuke! We're home!" Ren called, before the door was even closed behind them.

Ann scoffed. "Ren! Did you ever consider that he might be _asleep_?" she whispered urgently.

Laughing softly, Ren shook his head. "Nah. No way Yusuke's asleep yet. It's only midnightish. He's probably still awake in his room, painting the hours away." He lifted his hand and pretended to stroke a paintbrush against an invisible canvas.

"Or maybe he was _sleeping_ for once, and you just woke him up by being the loudest dr—"

Before Ann could finish, Yusuke's bedroom door opened and he peered out into the living room. "Thank you for your consideration, Ann," he laughed fondly, "but Ren is correct. I wasn't sleeping. I was working on my classwork, and it seems I lost track of time."

Ryuji brushed the conversation off with a nonchalant wave and stepped up beside Ren. "You missed a _hell_ of a show, man! This guy fuckin' ruled!" He shoved Ren gently.

Ren stumbled gently with the momentum, and grabbed the couch to keep himself standing. "Almost did a stage dive, too."

As Yusuke stepped out into the living room, he examined Ren closely. His brows drew together, and his lips formed a thin straight line. "And you imbibed in a few drinks, I see?" he asked.

"I tried to stop him, but—"

"We both know full well that once he begins, he won't stop until he's ready," Yusuke murmured and glanced down at the floor. "Besides, you likely had your hands full keeping Ryuji from starting a full out bar brawl."

Ryuji huffed. "I wouldn't have started a _bar_ brawl! Just a little bit of wrestlin'!" he insisted with a grin.

There it was: the expression Ren recognized. Yusuke looked concerned, and maybe tired, and Ren wondered idly if he'd taken a break at all since they left for the concert that afternoon. Some nights, when Yusuke worked on paintings, he didn't stop to rest or even get a breath of fresh air. Maybe, in the back of Ren's mind, he understood why Yusuke worried so much, because _Ren_ worried too, sometimes.

Before long, Ann and Ryuji excused themselves to go to bed, and Ren watched Yusuke take a seat on the couch. He looked tense, and Ren flopped lazily over the arm of the couch to rest his head in Yusuke's lap.

"Hi," Ren greeted his friend with a smirk.

Yusuke smiled that same warm smile he always shared with Ren. Worry rested firmly in his eyes and in his brows, but his lips curled upward in a way that made Ren's heart flit like dragonfly wings in his chest. "I really am disappointed that I had to miss your show tonight," he told Ren.

"Yeah. It was weird not seeing you in the crowd," Ren agreed with a chuckle.

Lithe fingers reached down to push Ren's hair from his face. "Next week, I'll be there. Rain or shine," he promised.

"Or classwork?"

Yusuke laughed. "Or classwork," he vowed.

Ren felt his lips quirking into a grin, but the grin quickly wilted as an important question came to the forefront of Ren's mind. "Have you taken a break at all tonight? You were in your room when we left at four..." he muttered.

"Not exactly," Yusuke answered sheepishly. "I did manage to eat one of those meal substitute bars you put in my room, though. So, I didn't go completely without."

It wasn't surprising, but Ren puffed out a breath as he looked up at Yusuke. "Tomorrow, I'm gonna have to cook you a huge breakfast. And we should go somewhere, too. It's been a couple of months since we've been out. Maybe we could go to dinner, and then go to the movies or something."

No matter how date-like it sounded—no matter how much Ren wished it _was_ —it _wasn't_ a date. Their outings were never dates, or at least they'd never classified them that way. Sure, most of the time they ended up in either Yusuke's bed or Ren's bed. Hell, sometimes they didn't even make it that far. They weren't dates, though. A date would mean that they were a couple, and as much as Ren wished he was good enough for Yusuke, he knew better.

They didn't need to be qualified, anyway. Not as dates, not as a couple. Nothing like that. It was enough for Ren that they were spending time together.

"It has been quite some time since we've gone out, hasn't it?" Yusuke asked as he leaned back against the couch cushions to relax.

It wasn't a direct yes, but Ren knew Yusuke well enough to read between the lines. He smiled and allowed himself to relax, too. To a stranger, they would probably look uncomfortable, but Ren would be perfectly content to fall asleep like this. Yusuke seemed content too, and that was all Ren needed to know.

Ren hummed. "Too long," he answered, letting his eyes flutter closed.

Even with his eyes closed, Ren could see the smile on Yusuke's face when he replied, "we can figure it out tomorrow, then."


	2. We Are Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _we are moons,_  
>  _throw ourselves around each other..._  
>  _we are oceans,_  
>  _being controlled by the pull of another._  
> [we are stars](https://open.spotify.com/track/1MA9ixecz694Ngz2zMCpn3?si=SC8vSIYsRMqvoNBoAGK6jg) ;; the pierces  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWD8b9eIROI) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/pierces/wearestars.html) }

It was a beautiful mid-spring day, and the sun beat down on the Tokyo streets as Ren and Yusuke walked to their preferred diner to eat. Dinner and a movie weren't exactly grandiose plans, and probably seemed mundane to most people. To Yusuke, though, it felt like exactly what he needed after a long week cooped up in his room. Ren probably knew as much, too, which was why he'd suggested an evening out. Even with his mind addled with drink, Ren always seemed to know exactly what Yusuke needed, and it never ceased to make Yusuke realize exactly how lucky he was to have Ren as a friend.

Yusuke regarded his friend for a moment as they walked side by side down the street. Ren talked animatedly about a song he was assigned to write for his composition class, and Yusuke listened intently to every word. Yusuke loved hearing about Ren's creative process. Ren's mind was simultaneously so open and so hidden, and Yusuke relished every chance he got to see what the inner workings were.

"Originally, I was gonna write a love song, but then I realized that there are way too many of those out there," Ren mused.

Yusuke nodded. "The world is somewhat oversaturated with them, isn't it?" he asked.

With a nod, Ren continued, "So, after I realized that, I decided I wanted to make it about being young and having a good time, but then I realized that I pretty much described the whole bubblegum pop genre as a whole." He laughed, turning to cast Yusuke a sidelong glance. "I don't want that."

"I'm sure you could make it original, though," Yusuke shrugged. "You could give it that little twist to make it uniquely Ren."

A smirk inched across Ren's face as he turned to look at the pavement again. "Maybe," he commented under his breath. "I want to find something that hasn't been done before, though. It's harder than it looks, because there's so much music in the world. Whenever I think of something that sounds _sort_ of original, I realize it's been done before."

Yusuke hummed thoughtfully, before tucking his hair behind his ear. "Maybe so, but your life has been different from anyone else's, hasn't it? Perhaps it's not about trying to write something that's never been done before, but about being honest about yourself and putting your own life into musical terms," he suggested.

It would have taken a blind fool not to notice Ren's hesitation, and truthfully, Yusuke expected nothing different. Ren had always been reluctant to give away too much about his life. Yusuke liked to think—or perhaps _hoped_ —that Ren relied on him more than others, but given how guarded Ren was when it comes to anything personal, Yusuke knew not to expect too much. He counted himself truly lucky for any detail Ren allowed himself to give.

"Maybe," Ren murmured. "Pretty sure anyone but you would be scared of my mind, though." He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable.

Yusuke frowned. "I doubt that."

Silence draped over them like a heavy blanket as they continued their walk, and Ren had his eyes turned down toward the pavement. Yusuke watched him sadly. For two years, Yusuke had tried to get past the wall Ren had built. It always felt like he was close, but Ren always hesitated before he let Yusuke _completely_ through. Yusuke knew the scantest of detail. Betrayal and heartache followed Ren like a dark and looming shadow, and Yusuke knew that for the better part of Ren's life, that betrayal and heartache was a companion Ren couldn't shake. The information stopped there, though. Ren never gave more and Yusuke would never go behind his friend's back and ask.

Whatever the betrayal was, it led Ren down a self-destructive path of alcohol and caution. Yusuke wanted to help, and he knew he helped to _some_ degree, because Ann always told him that Ren seemed less lonely when Yusuke was with him. If being nearby was the only way Yusuke could help? Well, it was a price he was more than willing to pay.

Ren shook his head hard and looked around them, almost as though he were searching for something in particular. Before Yusuke could ask, he spoke up. "Hey, let's try that place instead."

Yusuke blinked and followed Ren's eyes to a nearby steakhouse. They were several blocks away from their usual diner, but Yusuke was hungry enough not to care. He'd saved enough money for a good steak dinner, after all. Plans with Ren were hardly ever what was prescribed, and Yusuke knew it full well. Ren's mind worked quickly—sometimes too quickly for his body to keep up—and Yusuke considered himself lucky to be along for the ride.

"As ever, you're full of surprises," Yusuke laughed fondly.

Ren smirked. "But never boring, right?" he asked.

"Never once."

They crossed the street and entered the steakhouse together. Yusuke was immediately overwhelmed by the mix of aromas. Steak, seafood, vegetables and spices mixed together in his nostrils, and Yusuke breathed in deeply, ignoring the way the smells made his stomach grumble. Ren had often told him to take up day work as a food critic, and he couldn't deny that it was an appealing concept. Being paid to go from restaurant to restaurant and sample their dishes for free seemed like something out of a fantasy. Perhaps if he did, he could shake the starving artist image everyone seemed to see when they looked at him.

As they waited to be seated, Yusuke noticed that Ren was watching him. It happened every now and then. Ren would watch him with a smile on his face, and as soon as Yusuke looked, Ren would look away and pretend he hadn’t been looking. Just as Yusuke thought, as soon as their eyes met, Ren quickly turned to look away. Most of the time, Yusuke let it slide. Today, he couldn't help his curiosity.

"Is something the matter?" Yusuke asked, catching Ren's eyes when his friend turned to look.

A light flush crept across Ren's cheeks, and Yusuke decided the look was incredibly becoming on him. "I... no," he muttered shyly. "You look nice today, is all. Is that the outfit you bought the last time Ann took you shopping?"

Humming playfully, Yusuke tapped his chin. "While I'm not sure I like the assertion that I am incapable of picking clothing like this on my own," he smirked, glancing down at his clothes, "yes. It is, in fact, the outfit Ann picked the last time we went shopping together."

Ren returned the smirk, and Yusuke couldn't help but find the confidence in his gaze _incredibly_ attractive. "Nah, I think you're plenty good at picking your own clothes," he insisted. "I can just... see Ann's influence. The shirt comes up a little when you lift your arms, and it shows your middle—"

Heat rushed to Yusuke's face. "I-it does?" he asked, his hands rushing to the hem of the shirt in a desperate attempt to tug it downward.

"Yeah. It looks good."

Yusuke felt like his face could probably catch fire from the flush rushing to his cheeks and ears. "B-but..." he stammered.

Ren placed his hand on Yusuke's knee and shrugged. "Your pants hug your thighs a little more, too. I can really see all the curves of your body, and it—"

Before Ren could finish his sentence, the hostess showed up and interrupted their conversation. She announced that their table was ready, and led Ren and Yusuke to a booth in the corner of the restaurant. As they followed the hostess' lead, Yusuke couldn't help his curiosity in regard to how Ren was going to end his sentence. He could see the curves of Yusuke's body, and Yusuke's skin when he lifted his arms? It was _definitely_ embarrassing, but if Ren liked it… maybe it wasn't so bad.

They sat on opposite sides of the booth and accepted the menus from the waitress. As soon as they were alone again, Yusuke peered over the top of his menu at Ren.

No matter how many times he'd looked at his friend's face, he could never get over how beautiful it was. Ren had perfect skin, pale and soft to the touch. The small diamond stud in his nose was a nice adornment, and it drew attention to the angle and slope of his nose. His eyes, always lined with dark liner and shrouded with thick-rimmed glasses, were gray-blue and never failed to catch Yusuke's attention. The mess of dark hair on his head always looked uncombed, but Yusuke knew better. It was a mess of carefully placed chaos, and it was so soft when it cascaded through Yusuke's fingers.

Ren's body was perfect, too. He was shorter than Yusuke, but slightly more muscular. All the hours he spent on stage, his boundless energy as the front-man of Hysteria, kept him in perfect shape no matter how much he ate.

Ren Amamiya was truly the most beautiful person Yusuke had ever seen. In fact, Yusuke had lost track of how many times he'd drawn his friend. As Yusuke watched Ren, he noticed that Ren was listening to a conversation happening at the booth behind them. Ren seemed intrigued—one of his eyebrows was raised in the same way it was whenever Yusuke started talking about one of his paintings—and Yusuke was instantly intrigued. Most of the time, that expression meant that their plans were going to change again, but Ren had never led Yusuke astray before.

"I know that look," Yusuke mused playfully.

A triumphant smile spread across Ren's face as he settled back into his seat. "Yeah. Up for a change in plans? Those people back there just gave me a _way_ better idea than the movies."

Yusuke chuckled softly. "When have I ever refused you?" he asked.

"Valid point," Ren answered, pointing a finger at Yusuke with a wry grin. "How does the planetarium sound to you?"

Yusuke lifted his head from his menu and smiled across the table at Ren. The planetarium! A planetarium sounded like the perfect place for Yusuke to find boundless inspiration for his landscape drawing class, and frankly, he found it shameful that he'd never been to one before. Somehow—despite it being a sudden, whirlwind decision—Ren had managed to take a nice evening and make it even better. As usual.

"I don't think I've ever been to a planetarium before," Yusuke confessed. "Tonight seems like a wonderful night to change that."

Ren's expression went somber. He laughed bitterly. "I... have. It's been a really long time, and—"

The waitress showed up before Ren could finish. As soon as she appeared, Ren turned his attention back to his menu. Yusuke suddenly found himself wishing that she'd waited just a few seconds longer. It always happened this way. Every time Ren opened up _just a little_ , something interrupted them and he stopped cold. Someday, Yusuke vowed, he would get to the bottom of it and figure out why Ren was so guarded. It would most likely have to happen when they were alone at the apartment, but it was better that way anyway.

They placed their orders—Yusuke took notice of the grapefruit whiskey sour in Ren's order and had to fight back a frown—and the waitress departed with their menus. Worry nipped at the back of Yusuke's mind. No matter how many times Yusuke asked Ren about his tendency to drown all his worries in liquor, Ren refused to see it as worthy of worry. Yusuke noticed that Ren's tendency toward alcoholic beverages had increased lately. He'd come home drunk last night and both nights last weekend. Every time they went out, Ren ordered at least one alcoholic beverage, and while Yusuke was fully aware his friend was an adult, it did nothing to assuage his worry.

Yusuke was about to ask him more about the last time he went to the planetarium but before he got the chance, Ren spoke up again. "So, yeah. According to that guy," he pointed over his shoulder, "they just built a new theater in the planetarium. Wonder if they'd ever hire Hysteria to play. We could play psychedelic 60's rock to go along with the show!"

Just as quickly as the tension rose, Ren forced himself back into casual normalcy. Yusuke could see the difference in Ren's smile now. It didn't quite reach his eyes, and it wasn't the bright and beaming smile Yusuke _knew_ Ren could give. As much as Yusuke wanted to press the issue, he knew that the only thing it would accomplish was to make Ren even more uncomfortable. Against his better judgment, Yusuke hesitantly went with the partial topic switch.

"Or perhaps a whole set of space-themed music?" Yusuke suggested with a smile.

Just like that, the genuineness came right back to Ren's face. "Oh, man!" he blinked. He grabbed a napkin and the expandable pen he kept in his wallet, and immediately started scribbling song titles down. "Space Oddity. Rocket Man. Dark Side of the Moon. Black Hole Sun. Supermassive Black Hole. Come Sail Away... remind me of this later, okay? Don't let me forget! I need to tell Ryuji and the others, because even if we don't get to play at the planetarium, we could probably convince Lala to let us play it at Crossroads. She's pretty open to our ideas!"

Yusuke laughed fondly, catching some of Ren's enthusiasm. "Be sure I'm at this show, please. I wouldn't want to miss something that has you so excited."

Ren smirked. "Making sure you don't overwork yourself? You have yourself a deal, Mr. Kitagawa," he teased.

As they chuckled, the waitress returned with their drinks. Yusuke watched Ren again as he quickly downed about half of his mixed drink. It wasn't really a surprise. Yusuke was used to seeing him drink like that, and he was sure that Ren would have his drink finished before the meal arrived. When the waitress returned, he would most likely ask for a refill. Two mixed drinks wouldn't be enough to get him drunk, but Yusuke worried that sometimes, the only time Ren was at peace with himself was when he had a drink or two in his system.

In Yusuke's heart of hearts, he wished _he_ could bring Ren that kind of peace, but he knew it wasn't a fair thing to wish for. Ren's happiness needed to come from within, and there was something keeping him from it. More than anything, Yusuke wanted to know what that something was.

After another large pull from his drink, Ren asked, "You okay? You look like you're a million miles away."

"Oh. Yes, I'm fine. Perhaps a bit hungry," Yusuke answered with a weak smile.

Judging by the look on Ren's face, it seemed that he could sense the lie, and Yusuke found himself feeling guilty. Ren finished his drink in one quick swig, and slid his empty glass to the edge of the table. Yusuke tore his eyes away from the glass and met with Ren's eyes instead. More than anything else, the sight of his friend's eyes managed to conjure a genuine smile.

Ren's voice cut through the uncomfortable silence. "So, did you manage to finish that oil painting?" he asked.

"I didn't," Yusuke admitted, glancing down at the table. "I'm close to finishing, but... it's supposed to be about a positive childhood memory, and..." He trailed off, flicking his eyes back up toward Ren.

With an understanding nod, Ren hummed. "You don't have a lot of those," he muttered.

Yusuke laughed bitterly. "No," he agreed. "I... opted for the view outside my childhood bedroom window, because sometimes the sun would hit the horizon just right at sunset or sunrise, and it made the whole city appear pink or orange."

"That sounds beautiful."

"It was."

Ren hummed thoughtfully. "But you're still having trouble?" he asked.

Yusuke sighed. "Yes," he said with a scowl. "No matter how I paint it, there's always a dismal air I can't seem to get rid of. It taints the whole image."

Of course, Yusuke was fully aware of why he couldn't remove the dismal air from the painting. Even his best memories weren't completely happy. Watching those sunrises or sunsets as a child and a teen, seeing how grand the world really was and how small his was, simultaneously struck him with how awe-inspiring the world was and made him feel lonely and isolated. Now that he was older, he knew that it was the beauty and the size of the world that _made_ him feel lonely, and it was hard to keep those feelings out of a painting that was supposed to be personal.

It seemed as though Ren sensed his discomfort, because before he knew it, he felt the warmth of Ren's hand on his forearm.

"Good memories can be bittersweet too, right? Bet your professor would be impressed if you could manage to twist it both ways," Ren suggested gently. "Show how beautiful the world is, but maybe put the dismal air around the edges to show, like..."

Yusuke smiled sadly. "Bitter for sweet," he continued. "Sweet for bitter. Two sides of the same coin."

With a nod, Ren added, "Kinda what life is, isn't it?"

"I truly don't know why I don't just start relying on you to begin with when I find myself mired in uncertainty," Yusuke admitted, placing his free hand on top of Ren's. "You always seem to be able to pull me up from confusion."

Ren laughed bashfully. "Don't know how I manage that, to be honest. I've never painted a stroke in my life."

"We should change that."

The question escaped before Yusuke even realized it, but he had no intention of taking it back. He'd lost track of how many times he'd offered to teach Ren to paint. Ren was always interested, but they'd never actually gotten around to it. Schedule conflicts, or the fact that their apartment was hardly a suitable place for an art lesson, always prevented them from taking it anywhere.

This time, Ren seemed like he was seriously considering the possibility. As he was about to open his mouth to answer, the waitress showed up with their food and a fresh drink for Ren. Yusuke fought back a frown. He wished that she'd asked first, although it probably wouldn't have mattered. He was absolutely certain that Ren would have said yes. Ren thanked her for their food, and Yusuke busied himself with taking a long, slow sip from his raspberry lemonade to prevent himself from voicing his annoyance to the waitress. Fortunately, Ren spoke up as she walked away and drew Yusuke's attention.

"What about the roof?"

Yusuke blinked. "The roof?" he asked.

"Yeah," Ren confirmed around a mouthful of shrimp. "You could teach me to paint up there."

The roof, of course! As Yusuke cut a piece of steak and stabbed it with his fork, he truly felt as though he could kick himself. "How did we not come to that conclusion before?" he asked incredulously.

Ren chuckled. "We could even do it tomorrow, while the idea is fresh. I have practice in the morning around when you have your class, but afterward... we're both free for the rest of the day, right?"

Instead of speaking around a full mouth, Yusuke simply nodded.

"Well, now we're not free anymore. 'Cause you're gonna teach me to paint," Ren grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Totally_ not a date, don't you think? Not romantic, they _totally_ don't love each other or anything.
> 
> Thanks, as ever, to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for being an awesome source of great ideas and an amazing beta and friend. You're the best!


	3. Starlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _my life, you electrify my life..._  
>  _lets conspire to ignite_  
>  _all the souls that would die just to feel alive._  
> [starlight](https://open.spotify.com/track/3skn2lauGk7Dx6bVIt5DVj?si=l0gWCXSaTb6sIxUKs2RErw) ;; muse  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgum6OT_VH8) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/muse/starlight.html) }

Despite how many people there were in the planetarium's viewing room, Ren couldn't help but feel a flash of intimacy when he looked at Yusuke. The two drinks Ren had at dinner rushed through his system and hazed his senses. He wasn't _drunk_ , per se, but he was pleasantly clouded by the booze, to the point that he just felt… good. The planetarium wasn't exactly _full_ , but there weren't too many empty seats, either. Fortunately, the row that Ren and Yusuke were sitting in was mostly empty. It allowed Ren to relax even further.

Yusuke seemed completely taken in by the synthesized star-scape spanning over their heads. Ren was vaguely aware of the explanation video in the background, telling them exactly what they were looking at, but at the moment, he really couldn't be bothered to care. In the dim lights of the planetarium, Yusuke looked… unbelievable. Ren had thought as much many times before. Yusuke had this otherworldly beauty about him. He looked like an ethereal being, someone who was designed to show the world what a perfect person was supposed to look like. Yusuke smiled, and it felt like the world moved a little faster on its axis. He laughed, and it felt like everything blue-shifted until Ren's problems seemed less all-consuming.

The smile on Yusuke's face at that moment was serene, and it made Ren's stomach flip awkwardly inside him.

"To think," Yusuke whispered, breaking the silence between them, "such beauty exists right beyond the scope of our reach."

It was almost enough to make Ren laugh. He was fully aware that Yusuke was talking about the universe, but he very well could have been talking about himself, too. He was beautiful, and while he and Ren shared an orbit, Ren was fully aware of exactly how far Yusuke was beyond his reach.

Ren's smile wilted. "Yeah," he answered simply.

"Do you think we'll ever get to see them up close?" Yusuke asked softly, unwilling to tear his eyes from the synthetic stars.

The question snapped Ren from his thoughts, and he turned to look at the stars. An image of Yusuke still rested in the back of Ren's mind, and he couldn't help but feel wistful. Yusuke's question shouldn't have been that big of a deal. Ren had seen Yusuke up close several times. Every time they fell into Yusuke's or Ren's bed, he'd seen and touched the most intimate parts of his friend's body. Ren had no reason to doubt and he knew it full well.

They were friends. As much as Ren loved Ann and Ryuji, Yusuke was probably his _best_ friend... but that was all they could ever be. So, did he think he'd ever get to see Yusuke up close? Would he ever get to see joy and _love_ coming from Yusuke's eyes, and know that he was the one who put it there? No. No, he didn't think so. Someday, someone better would come along. Someday, someone who wasn't a fucked up mess of issues—or someone who was willing to _tell_ Yusuke about their fucked up mess of issues—would come along and take him away.

Ren shook his head hard. Maybe he should have ordered that third drink and pounded it down before they left. Two was usually enough to keep these kinds of thoughts from his mind, but this time, it wasn't. Suddenly, it occurred to him that he hadn't answered Yusuke's question. He took a second to think about the question in the way Yusuke actually _meant_ it. Yusuke asked about the stars, not about Ren's stupid fixation on him. Putting a smile back on his face, he turned to look at Yusuke.

"Someday, yeah," Ren answered. "I mean, when you think about it, we're not that far from colonizing other planets."

Yusuke hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose that's true," he agreed.

Ren nodded. "So, even if we can't _live_ there, it's totally possible that we could see space in our lifetime. Maybe you could make that a personal goal," he suggested.

The smile on Yusuke's face was so far beyond anything Ren had ever seen before. "I can only imagine what the real thing looks like. It must be quite the sight to see," he mused.

"Quite the sight to paint?" Ren teased affectionately.

Yusuke laughed, then nodded and turned to look at Ren. "You know me too well."

Shrugging, Ren watched as Yusuke turned and looked back at the fake stars. "You can still paint them, though. Maybe you can't do that thing you always seem to do when you manage to make people feel like they're _really there_ , but you can definitely paint it. If anyone can put together a convincing painting of space without ever seeing it, it would have to be you," he mused.

When Yusuke turned that warm gentle gaze on Ren, Ren felt warmth spread out from his heart and course through his veins. His stomach twisted, he exhaled, and he met Yusuke's eyes with a lopsided smile. It probably didn't look quite honest, and maybe there _was_ a level of deceit to it, but it wasn't a _complete_ lie. Ren _did_ feel a swell of happiness when his eyes were locked on his friend's. The happiness surrounded the core of anxiety in Ren's gut and suffocated it, popping it and making it dissipate into nothingness.

"Perhaps I'll find some inspiration when you play that space-themed setlist at Crossroads," Yusuke mused. "The sound of your voice always seems to bring the most vivid images from me."

The compliment took Ren by surprise. No matter how many times Yusuke said things like that, it always made Ren feel like he didn't quite deserve it. How _he_ managed to pull inspiration out of anyone was a complete and total mystery, but when Yusuke said stuff like that, it was almost enough to make Ren believe it.

"Maybe we can practice together sometime," Ren suggested. "Sometime soon, I can bring my guitar up to the roof, you can bring your easel, and I can practice the space-themed songs while you paint how they make you feel."

Yusuke smiled. "That sounds _marvelous_ ," he declared. "I'll take some time between now and then to find some good galactic images to use as references, and whatever results from this exercise will be a gift to you, to hang in your bedroom."

There were dozens of Yusuke's paintings on the walls of Ren's bedroom. Maybe anyone else would have minded, but Ren would have been satisfied if his whole room was covered. He watched as Yusuke turned to look back at the display. The stars were beautiful. Of course they were. Even so, Ren couldn't help but feel that the most beautiful thing in the room was sitting right beside him. The way Yusuke relaxed in his chair. The way he seemed so at ease, so relaxed, as he sat trapped between Ren's body and the planetarium's wall. Ren's eyes trailed along his face, from his gray eyes to his pale skin, to the angle of his jaw and the flawless skin on his neck.

The shirt Ann helped him pick provided Ren with the slightest peek of Yusuke's collarbone, and Ren couldn't help but think of all the times he'd trailed kisses and nibbles along the pale flesh. He thought of the way Yusuke sighed and gasped when Ren nipped at his collarbone just right, and his smile quickly turned into a grin.

Ren's eyes trailed down Yusuke's shoulders to his chest. In the back of Ren's mind, he was fully aware that Yusuke had several fading bite marks on his chest and shoulders from the last time they had sex. If Ren focused, he could remember their exact placement. If he really tried, he could remember the perfect sounds Yusuke made each time Ren left them. Of course, Yusuke wasn't the only one with bite marks. As Ren showered this afternoon, he saw his own bite marks and remembered how it felt when Yusuke left them behind. They never bit too hard. Just hard enough to leave little mementos behind. Ren subconsciously lifted his hand to brush along his pectoral muscle, and smiled when he felt a tiny bit of raised flesh, left behind by Yusuke's teeth.

He remembered the way Yusuke buried his head in Ren's neck while Ren rolled his hips upward and buried his dick inside Yusuke's body. He remembered Yusuke's pleas for more; the way he begged Ren to go harder and faster, and then the pleasant shock of Yusuke sinking his teeth into Ren's neck. It had definitely worked. Ren had increased his speed and tempo, and it ended with Yusuke coming hard. Ren came moments after, and then he'd fallen asleep with Yusuke in his arms.

Ren bit his lip. His eyes trailed down to Yusuke's abdomen, and grinned. Every time Yusuke moved just right, he got a tiny peek of skin. Yusuke's skin was pale, and beautiful, and before Ren could stop himself, he reached across the short distance between them to brush his hand along the sensitive skin. Ren knew it was one of Yusuke's sensitive spots. He knew that the right amount of attention to Yusuke's lower abdomen turned Yusuke on _fast_.

Which was exactly what he wanted.

With an impish grin, Ren glided his fingers tenderly along Yusuke's lower abdomen. Ren felt the hem of Yusuke's jeans just below his fingertips, and Yusuke's muscles tensed just slightly beneath Ren's touch. He turned to face Yusuke, resting his shoulder against the back of the chair and focusing his eyes on Yusuke's face.

"Ren..." Yusuke rasped, "what are..."

Quirking an eyebrow, Ren’s grin turned coy "You know what I'm doing."

Any attempt Yusuke made to sound indignant fell short. He pulled in a shaky breath and his hips twitched eagerly. "H-here?" he croaked.

Ren nodded and dipped his fingers beneath the hem of Yusuke's jeans. Of course, if Yusuke asked him to stop, he would, but if the look on Yusuke's face is any indication that wouldn't be an issue. Ren felt Yusuke's stomach muscles tense again, and he made quick work of opening the button to Yusuke's jeans. Ren _knew_ it was risky to do this in the planetarium, but the risk added another layer of excitement to it.

"All you have to do is say no," Ren whispered, his lips brushing against Yusuke's ear.

With a soft gasp, Yusuke nodded sharply. "I... I know," he whispered.

Ren grinned. "Gotta keep quiet, though. If you think you're gonna make too much noise, just kiss me," he suggested.

"Can't I kiss you anyway?"

The question was almost enough to make Ren laugh. Instead of answering, Ren leaned in and captured Yusuke's lips with his own. The kiss started out innocent enough—an innocuous brush of lips on lips—but Ren quickly turned the dial up. He took Yusuke's lower lip between his teeth and tugged lightly, then brushed his tongue along it to silently ask Yusuke for more. As soon as Yusuke's mouth was engulfed by Ren's, Ren slid the zipper of Yusuke's jeans down. He brushed his fingers along Yusuke's dick over his boxer briefs, and he smirked against Yusuke's lips when he felt his friend's hips buck into the touch. It was a huge bonus, knowing everything it took to drive Yusuke insane, and Ren took advantage of that knowledge by ghosting his fingertips along the fabric of Yusuke's underclothes again.

Ren broke the kiss and roved his eyes over Yusuke's body. His lips, a little swollen and pink from their intense kissing, immediately caught Ren's eye, as did the way he white-knuckled the armrest with his far hand. Yusuke was always beautiful, of that there was no question. When he came unglued like this, though? Somehow, Ren found him even _more_ beautiful.

Dipping his hand into Yusuke's boxer briefs, he took a gentle but firm grip on Yusuke's dick. Yusuke gasped sharply, and Ren brushed his thumb up the length from base to tip, watching eagerly as Yusuke writhed in the seat. His lips were parted, but no sound came out. Instead, he breathed with his head lolled back and his neck exposed. Ren grinned and leaned forward, running his tongue along Yusuke's pulse point. When Yusuke responded by jerking his hips into Ren's touch, Ren smirked and repeated the motion. His thumb slid up Yusuke's length in time with his tongue licking a gentle strip against Yusuke's pulse point.

"Oh..." Yusuke whispered.

The soft declaration of approval was one of the hottest things Ren had ever heard in his life. His thumb continued its ministrations, but instead of licking Yusuke's neck again, Ren lifted his head to whisper in Yusuke's ear. "I want to fuck you so bad right now," he intimated. "I want to take you into one of those single bathrooms, bend you over the sink, and fuck you."

Yusuke dropped his head against Ren's shoulder and gripped Ren's shirt with eager hands. "Ren... p-please..." he whispered.

"Please what?"

"I... I want you to..."

Ren's smirk grew. "You want me to fuck you?"

"Yes. Please..." Yusuke begged.

That was all Ren needed to hear. The declaration of disapproval Yusuke gave as Ren pulled his hand away and tucked Yusuke back into his pants was hotter than it had any right to be. With a last, long kiss, Ren waited long enough for Yusuke to zip and button his jeans back up before standing and leading the way out of the observatory. Once they were in the hall, it took all of Ren's mental wherewithal not to sprint to the nearest single bathroom.

Yusuke seemed to be struggling, too. His face was flushed and he was trying to hide his obvious interest from the few people they passed on their way to the bathroom. It was much more difficult for Yusuke than it was for Ren, because of the way those pants hugged his body in all the right places. The outline of Yusuke's arousal caught Ren's eye once or twice, and he couldn't wait to turn Yusuke into a panting, pleading mess as Ren fucked him into the sink. Ren couldn't help but feel like the hallway was much longer now than it was when they were heading to the planetarium.

They rounded the corner to the single bathroom, and managed to sneak in undetected.

Yusuke got through the door after Ren, and as soon as they were on the other side, Ren pinned him against the door and fumbled for the lock. Once the lock clicked into place, Ren's lips found Yusuke's, and both of Ren's hands found their way to Yusuke's abdomen. As they kissed—heavy, passionate kisses that Ren could feel all the way to his core—Ren brushed his thigh lightly against Yusuke's arousal and relished in the soft hum Yusuke let out against his lips.

Despite having done this dozens of times in dozens of different places, it never got old. As Yusuke canted his hips forward, brushing his length against Ren's thigh and letting out another shaky breath, Ren dipped his head down to press hungry kisses to Yusuke's jaw and neck. He nipped hungrily at Yusuke's neck and down to the visible peek of collarbone, then tugged on Yusuke's hips to pull him toward the sink.

"You always know how to drive me wild," Yusuke gasped.

Ren smirked. "Good. Can't wait to make you even crazier," he murmured against Yusuke's neck.

Ren's fingers went to work on opening Yusuke's pants. Then he opened his own pants, and reached into his pocket, gathering the small packet of petroleum jelly he kept in his wallet. He dropped his wallet to the floor and placed his hands on Yusuke's hips. Ren gently turned him around so he was facing the mirror, then he placed eager open-mouthed kisses to the nape of Yusuke's neck. When Yusuke responded by rocking his hips backward and brushing his ass against Ren's dick, it was almost too much. Ren let out a puff of air against Yusuke's neck.

"Fuck, Yusuke," Ren breathed against his neck. "That's... not fair."

Yusuke rumbled out a low chuckle. "Yes, well, neither is you being so... ah," he stopped sharply when Ren rocked his hips forward, and collapsed forward against the sink, "amazing... but that's never stopped you before..."

Ren used one hand to gently ease Yusuke's pants and underclothes down around his hips. With the other, he held the packet of lube up to tear it open with his teeth. He used his free hand to pull his briefs down in the front, then applied a generous coat of lube. Before going any further, Ren glanced over Yusuke's shoulder to look at their reflection in the mirror. Yusuke's cheeks were flushed, and his hair hung down to frame his face perfectly. His hair was long now. So long that he could manage to pull the back into a ponytail, and his bangs reached down to the bottom of his chin. It was a really becoming look, and the blue of his hair contrasted perfectly with the light pink shade of his cheeks.

God, Yusuke looked so hot right then. When he parted his lips to let out a slow, steadying breath, it only made him look even hotter. Ren pressed a kiss to Yusuke's neck, then placed a hand on Yusuke's hip to hold him steady. Yusuke rutted his ass against Ren's dick again, and Ren puffed out a breath.

"Please," Yusuke begged. "Ren, I need you to... p-please..."

As much as Ren wanted to reply, he didn't think he could. Instead, he busied his mouth with placing a kiss in the crook of Yusuke's neck. Ren lined himself up, and rocked his hips forward, however he wasn't expecting Yusuke to rock his hips backward at the same time. Both Ren and Yusuke let out a satisfied cry, as Ren was buried completely inside Yusuke and the sensation was overwhelming for a moment. Yusuke collapsed forward, resting his weight against the sink, and breathed heavily as his body adjusted.

Ren waited until he was sure Yusuke was comfortable, which also gave him a chance to compose himself and get used to how _perfectly_ his body fit with Yusuke's. No matter who topped or who bottomed, their bodies just fit together.

Yusuke's body felt so good, and it was difficult to keep his voice down. When they were at home, it wasn't a problem. Here, they had to be quiet, which was way more of a challenge than it had any right to be. Yusuke was vocal, and Ren was never really quiet unless they had to be. In fact, Ren was already stifling a loud moan of approval as Yusuke rocked his hips to let Ren know he was ready.

"F-fuck," Ren murmured, taking the hint and rolling his hips backward, to fall into their usual momentum. "You feel... so fucking good."

With a gasp, Yusuke braced himself on the sink and lifted his hips to meet Ren's movements. "A-as do you," he stammered, "amazing."

Before too long, they settled into a perfect rhythm. Yusuke met each one of Ren's thrusts with eager hips. It was almost like they moved as one: not too fast, not too slow. Ren knew exactly the tempo and pressure Yusuke liked, and exactly what angle he needed to hit to _really_ make Yusuke lose his mind. It was harder to reach that angle from this position, but Ren still tried. He kept one hand on Yusuke's hip, but reached the other around to grasp and wrap his hand around Yusuke's dick.

As Ren matched their tempo with his hand, Yusuke sucked in a sharp breath and let his head hang for a moment, in a desperate attempt to keep his composure. When he lifted his head again, he was a gasping and panting mess. Ren could tell he was getting close.

 _Fuck_ , did Ren love seeing him come unglued like that. Yusuke was always so put together, but seeing him let loose and knowing Ren was the one to make it happen never ceased to make Ren happy. Ren knew the gasps and unintelligible noises meant that Yusuke was getting closer and closer to the edge. He could feel his own climax building, too.

That was when he felt it. Yusuke's muscles tensed, he pulled in a sharp, shaky breath, and his back arched. Ren could tell that he'd finally managed to find the perfect angle, and thanks to the mirror, he could watch Yusuke come unglued. Ren watched in awe, taking in the way Yusuke tossed his head backward and displayed his neck. Ren wished he could bite it or kiss it or _something_ from this angle, but for now, he was content to watch and listen as Yusuke's put-together demeanor crumbled to the ground.

"Ren!" Yusuke cried, a little too loudly.

Ren couldn't have cared less. The sound of his voice was so hot, and it pushed Ren closer to the edge. He snapped his hips forward again, at the same speed and force, and reveled in the way Yusuke pulled in a sharp gasp and tightened his grip on the sink. In his posture and his movements, Ren could tell exactly how close he was, and he knew it would only take a little bit more to send him toppling over the edge. He tightened his grip around Yusuke's dick and aimed it at the sink to protect Yusuke's clothes, then rolled his hips forward again.

Just as expected, that was all it took. Yusuke cried Ren's name—it might have been loud enough for people outside to hear, but Ren didn't care—and toppled over the edge. Ren tried to keep his mind together, he really did. Between the way Yusuke's muscles tensed around him and the way Yusuke looked as he rode the waves—Ren stood no chance.

"Fuck, Yusuke!" Ren cried.

Two more thrusts of his hips, and Ren felt the waves of climax ripple through his body. His heart hammered fast as he came, and his body felt like fire was trying to explode out through his veins as the electric heat coursed through him.

Ren collapsed in a heap, relaxing against Yusuke's back and peppering lazy kisses to his neck. They were both reduced to panting, breathless messes, and Ren felt _so good_ , that he couldn't help but lift his head to look at their reflection in the mirror. Yusuke was beautiful as always. His hair was a mess, and his cheeks were perfectly flushed, but he looked like he was in absolute ecstasy. For a second, Ren let himself feel a swell of pride for having something to do with bringing that gorgeous look to his friend's eye.

Most of the time, Ren couldn't stand to look at himself in the mirror. His face hadn't changed much since he was younger, and when he saw it, it made him think of exactly how much of a mess he was back then. He felt like, no matter how much he grew, he would always be _the gay kid who no one wanted to talk to_ , just like he was back then. The one whose friends, whose _parents_ , turned their backs on him the second word got out. Most of the time, Ren avoided mirrors unless he had to fix his eyeliner or make sure he was suitable to go on stage.

Somehow, even with his eyeliner running, a sheen of sweat making his skin glisten, and his hair a complete and total mess, he never felt that way when he saw himself with Yusuke. Maybe it was because his attention was always focused on his beautiful, perfect, artist friend who somehow saw fit to spend his time with Ren no matter how much of a mess Ren was. Or maybe it was because he felt like even _he_ looked better when he was with Yusuke.

Whatever it was, it hit him full force as he helped Yusuke stand up straight. Once again, Ren was overwhelmed with the realization that with Yusuke was the only place he ever wanted to be. Ren's cheeks flushed deeper, and after pulling out of Yusuke, he quickly averted his eyes to gather some paper towels.

In a breathless voice, Ren murmured, "Let's... let's get cleaned up, huh?"

"Yes," Yusuke answered fondly. "Perhaps my legs will feel less like jelly by the time we finish."

Though Ren laughed at Yusuke's joke, he reminded himself that this was all they could ever be: best friends with benefits. Yusuke deserved better than someone who couldn't even be completely honest with him. Someday, when that someone _did_ come along, Ren would force himself to grin and bear it, because happiness was what Yusuke deserved.

As Yusuke faced him with an affectionate smile, though… the inevitability was easier to ignore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Ren. Someday, you will realize exactly how Yusuke feels about you. Maybe. Hopefully.
> 
> Thanks to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadaCreations/pseuds/NadaCreations) for the beta and for helping me figure out the little bits and pieces I couldn't quite put together in my head! I appreciate it as always!


	4. Let Me In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _under my skin, not much feels like this._  
>  _so cold it burns, soft-spoken words:_  
>  _"all i need is you to let me in."_  
> [let me in](https://open.spotify.com/track/2WASNrUn6TaalUV1Lju8hL?si=StdNKWi0Tqe8uh07iS-Jtw) ;; flor  
> [ [youtube link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf4Hz6pKjyY) ] | { [lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/flor/letmein.html) }

After returning from the planetarium the night prior, Ren fell asleep in Yusuke's room. Yusuke loved the nights they spent together. Every time he slept with his head on Ren's chest and Ren held him close, the world felt… safe. Ren seemed happy when they slept close together, and Yusuke had absolutely no complaints because he was happy, too. He always slept better when Ren was with him. His dreams were kinder, and his bed felt warmer, too.

At the moment, he was in the living room with Ann, Mishima, and Futaba, waiting for Ren and Ryuji to get back from band practice. Though Yusuke was originally planning to work on his assignment for his Renaissance Painting class, he didn't mind the company or the distraction. He and Ann had always gotten along swimmingly, and she had always been one of Yusuke's dearest friends. Futaba was also a good friend, if something of an annoyance from time to time.

Then, there was Mishima.

Mishima, who was Ren's ex and still on good terms with Ren after a two-year relationship. Mishima, who was now in a serious relationship with Ren's surrogate sister Futaba. Yusuke didn't know any of the middle details about what happened between Ren and Mishima to break them up, because Ren kept the details about that time in his life close to the vest. There was only one thing that Yusuke knew for sure in regards to Mishima. It was something he loathed; something he wished he could deny: he was endlessly, irrevocably jealous of Yuuki Mishima.

_What does he have that I don't?_

It felt terrible, being jealous of a friend. Mishima was nice enough. Yusuke had never really had a problem with him, per se. However, the lingering fact remained: Mishima had accomplished something Yusuke wished with all his heart that he could. He knew the inner-workings of Ren's heart. Ren had loved Mishima, and Yusuke really wished he knew how that felt. Mishima was still Yusuke's friend. Most of the time, he maintained his composure, and managed to keep his jealousy in check. Today was not one of those days.

Mishima smiled at his phone, then sat up straight and turned it toward Futaba. "Oh! Ren says they'll be back in about twenty minutes!"

With an annoyed huff, Futaba rolled her eyes. "Ugh, finally!" she murmured, exasperated. "I'm starving and we'll _still_ have to wait for delivery when they get back."

Yusuke ignored Futaba's tirade in favor of stewing in his own thoughts. Ren had messaged Mishima? Yusuke tried not to frown, but he couldn't help the way his mouth curled downward. He knew—or, at least he hoped—that Ren didn't still hold a torch for Mishima after all these years. Ren had never mentioned it, anyway. Even so, it was hard not to feel jealous when Mishima looked down at his phone and laughed over a message from Ren. The feeling worsened when he leaned over to Futaba and showed her the message. They both shared in the laughter, then cast glances in Yusuke's direction.

Maybe Yusuke was being irrational. Maybe he had his own message from Ren. He tended to miss Ren's messages more frequently than he liked to admit. Yusuke had a tendency to get distracted with his art, and leave his phone on silent without realizing it.

Yes. That had to be it. Yusuke shook his jealousy away, and checked his phone for any messages from Ren. Nothing. He frowned. He truly loathed this jealousy, but he couldn't help it. Usually, Yusuke was the one Ren texted with a time frame. It was typically Yusuke who got all the details, and yet, just because Mishima was here…

Yusuke shook his head sharply. Jealousy was such an ugly emotion, and he hated what it turned him into.

Futaba's annoyed groan caught Yusuke's attention. "Still don't know how it could possibly take them twenty minutes to get across town, though," she grumbled. "What, did they take the long way because it passes by the Edgy Store or something?"

At first, Mishima laughed. Any sign of amusement faded when he looked at his phone again, though. "No. It looks like… they stopped by the liquor store," he said with a sigh.

"Oh," Ann huffed. "Yeah, I remember Ren saying he was out of vodka. Guess it was too much to hope Ryuji would stop him..." she trailed off, then pushed her hair behind her ear.

Futaba snorted derisively. "Skull-for-brains? Fat chance! He was probably just as ready as Flower Child to go in there," she declared, then ducked her head in apology when she saw the expression on Ann's face.

Ann sighed and Yusuke glanced at his phone again. It was stupid to be so bothered by the lack of messages from Ren. Yusuke was sure that Ren would never intentionally choose not to send him a message. Ren probably assumed Mishima would tell everyone where he was, which was exactly he did. This jealousy was something Yusuke had been dealing with ever since Ren first mentioned his history with Mishima, and each time it flared up, he hated it more and more. Mishima was happy with Futaba, and Ren seemed genuinely happy _for_ them. In fact, according to Mishima, Ren was a major reason why they'd gotten together to begin with.

Forcing himself to snap out of his jealousy, Yusuke glanced around the room again. Ann and Futaba were talking now, planning some sort of girls night out with Makoto, Haru, and Shiho. They seemed excited, and his friends' happiness brought a smile to his face. However, when his gaze turned to Mishima, the smile wilted. Mishima was staring at him, appraising him with an odd look on his face. Yusuke wasn't sure what the expression was, but it looked almost... concerned. Why was Mishima concerned about Yusuke? Why was he looking at Yusuke like that?

"Can I help you with something, Mishima?" Yusuke asked. The second the words escaped, Yusuke cursed himself. The coldness in his tone made his ridiculous jealousy clear.

To make matters worse, he'd managed to gather attention from everyone else in the room too. Ann and Futaba were looking at him in surprise, but Futaba's eyes quickly turned to Mishima, likely out of concern for her boyfriend. "What's up, Nishi?" she asked, utterly failing to mask her concern.

Mishima shrugged. "Nothing, I'm just wondering. You and Ren are pretty close now, aren't you?"

The tone in his voice was loaded, and it made Yusuke's hackles rise. It would make perfect sense for someone like Mishima to hold a torch for someone like Ren. Yes, he was with Futaba and they seemed to be the perfect match, but Ren was... Ren. Ren was beautiful, talented, kind, intelligent—he wasn't perfect, but he was close. It would come as no surprise to Yusuke if everyone in the whole world held feelings for Ren.

Yusuke's jealousy blinded him enough to give him tunnel vision on that one possibility. When he responded, the chilliness in his tone seemed to triple. "We are," he answered plainly, not offering any further information.

"He trusts you, doesn't he?" Mishima followed up, surprisingly undaunted by Yusuke's icy response.

Much to Yusuke's surprise, Futaba didn't seem put off by Mishima's concern for his ex. She smiled sadly and placed her hand on Mishima's arm in support. "Oh, we're going there, huh?" she asked.

Ann seemed hesitant, which was just as surprising as Futaba's lack of hesitation. "You think it's a good time?"

Futaba huffed. "There's never a good time for stuff like this, I don't think. It's overdue, though. If Ren's not gonna speak up, someone's gotta do it for him," she pointed out.

Sometimes, it was easy to forget exactly how much longer everyone else had been friends with Ren. Most of the time, Yusuke didn't feel like he'd assimilated into their preexisting group of friends. Everyone was so open with him, and he was close with everyone individually. From time to time, when everyone else started talking about old memories, it hit Yusuke like a freight train. When all was said and done, he'd truly only been friends with Ren and the others for two years. It had occurred to him on a few different occasions that the rest of their friends may know all the secrets Ren withheld, but he'd never asked. He felt it to be a betrayal of Ren's trust.

As much as he knew it was the _right_ thing to do to stop them from telling him, two years of curiosity and worry weren't easily ignored. It was usually easy to convince himself that Ren would open up to him when he was ready, but other times he wondered if that time would ever come. His doubts played on his jealousy and stopped him from doing the right thing. Despite that tiny voice in the back of his mind telling him to stop Mishima, Yusuke couldn't bring himself to do it.

"I know you know Ren's got a lot of... skeletons in his closet," Ann started, pulling her knees up to her chest in her chair.

Futaba laughed aloud. "Please. Boy's got more issues than a magazine," she added under her breath.

"Futaba!" Ann chastised her. Then she sighed and shook her head. "But... she's right. I know you know some of it. You know about the stuff with his parents, right?"

Yusuke was hesitant to respond. He knew bits and pieces of the struggle Ren went through because of his parents. Ren had a lot of issues with them, and Yusuke knew that he'd only scratched the surface when Ren admitted to the abuse they'd dished out when he lived with them. It had taken nothing short of a miracle to get him to admit as much as he had. They'd shared stories, of how Yusuke's caretaker acted in much the same way as Ren's parents. Yusuke's confession about Madarame was ultimately the catalyst which convinced Ren to open up in his own way.

When Yusuke responded, it was a quiet murmur. "Some of it, I think..."

Futaba frowned. "Yeah. He only ever tells part of the story. I only know what I do because he ran to Sojiro for shelter when it happened, and Nishi only knows because they started dating shortly after it all went down."

It was hard to fight the flash of jealousy as it cropped up again. "Okay," he answered, his tone holding no secret as to how little he appreciated being on the outside.

"He used to be a lot more open about it," Mishima admitted. "I'm pretty sure he told Ryuji and Ann upfront, but after a while, it just started to eat away at him and he became more and more secretive, until he locked everyone out and refused to talk about it at all anymore."

"His parents are... pretty horrible," Ann explained with a sigh.

Mishima nodded. "See, before me, he was dating this girl. She was a nightmare. Shallow, snobby... but he was dating her so his parents wouldn’t find out he was gay, because he knew how they'd react," he told Yusuke, his expression level despite Yusuke's obvious annoyance.

"I'll never forgive myself for introducing them," Ann confessed.

Futaba frowned. "Wasn't your fault. You had no way of knowing Mika would see him hiding and use his insecurity to latch onto him," she continued, her tone making absolutely no secret of how much she hated this 'Mika.' "But she did. She totally latched and took advantage of exactly how nice he is, and how he's always willing to go the extra mile for people."

Mishima sighed and turned to look at Yusuke. "He dated her for a few months. It calmed his parents down and kept the rumors around school about his sexuality quiet. There were _always_ rumors, but when he was with Mika they weren't so bad. People picked a new rumor of the week then."

"We could all tell he was miserable, though," Ann added. "She was a gold digger. A really bad one. Took Ren for everything he had. So, before long, Ryuji, Mishima, Futaba, and me teamed up to talk to him. We told him he needed to break it off. His parents were already convinced he was straight, so what was the big deal, you know?"

The worry on Futaba's face morphed to anger. "Except she was _so much worse_ than we ever could've expected!" she seethed. "When he broke up with her, she told him that she knew he was gay and that she was going to tell his parents. He begged her not to, but she just... did it anyway! She didn't care that they already treated Ren like crap. She wanted the free ride, and if she couldn't have it, she wanted to like... ruin him!"

Ann frowned. "Yeah, it was a nightmare. They kicked him out, and Ren was worried that he wasn't gonna have anywhere to go, but luckily Futaba pleaded his case to Sojiro, who let him live over his coffee shop and work there after school to pay his way," she explained.

"He was pretty reclusive. The rumors were crazy at school and most everyone treated him like an outcast. We were outcasts too, because we stuck by him," Mishima explained. "But we didn't care. Ren was our friend and we weren't gonna abandon him just because everyone else had, you know?"

Yusuke frowned. "So that's—"

"Only part of it," Mishima admitted with a bitter chuckle. "He dealt with it. Or... dealt with it the way Ren deals with _anything_."

With a sigh, Yusuke looked down at his hands. "He bottled it up?"

Mishima hummed in agreement. "Yeah. He bottled it up and pretended it didn't exist. Pretended he was fine. We thought he was okay for a long time, which was why when we started dating during third year, I thought everything was great. I thought he was finally at peace with everything and over what happened with Mika. Except... stuff like that never goes away."

Ann nodded along with Mishima. "He seemed really happy, and I'm pretty sure he _was_ happy with Mishima."

Another irrational spark of jealousy flared up, and Yusuke had to turn and look away from his friends, lest they see his face turn an unflattering shade of green. He was happy with Mishima. Maybe that was why Yusuke was always left right on the edge of actually being with Ren: because Ren was happy then and still had feelings for Mishima. It wasn't fair of him to be jealous and he knew it. After hearing all the terrible things that led Ren down the dark path he'd taken, he almost felt _selfish_ for his jealousy, but he couldn't help it. His inability to stow his uglier emotions just made him all the more frustrated.

"Yeah, but the happiness didn't last," Futaba explained. "'Cause every time he bottles stuff up, it always comes back to bite him in a major way."

Mishima's expression was sad. "There was something bugging him all year, I could tell. He was happy, we all knew it, but sometimes, between times when we saw him, he'd have new cuts and bruises and wouldn't tell anyone why. No matter how many times we asked, he wouldn't tell us where they came from. I think something was happening behind the scenes that he still hasn't told us about," he professed. "But when we graduated, that type of stuff just stopped happening, and everything seemed fine for a little while."

"Except it wasn't really fine. That was when he started drinking the first time," Ann pointed out.

Yusuke quirked an eyebrow. "The first time?"

Sighing bitterly, Mishima nodded. "I broke up with him when I realized that he wasn't happy," he explained. "He was trying to be happy, but he was drowning his problems."

"He was really careful to hide it," Futaba explained. "Never drank around the rest of us, and Nishi didn't think it was a big deal at the time, 'cause he only really had one or two drinks at a time."

Mishima nodded. "But then I realized it was constant," he added, seeking Futaba's hand for support and squeezing it when she offered it. "Every night. No matter what we were doing. I think the moment I realized it was a real problem was when he started bringing little booze bottles with him when we went out. I stayed with him as long as I could. I tried to help him, tried to figure out why he _had_ to drink all the time... but he resisted me. He started... pretty much shutting down. No matter how many times I asked, he just... kept saying he was fine. That nothing was wrong and that I was seeing stuff that wasn't there."

After sensing how uncomfortable Mishima was, Futaba glanced at Yusuke and continued for him. "Nishi tried to help him for the whole time they were together, but he eventually realized..." she paused, trailing off. 

Yusuke had a feeling he knew what she was going to say, though. "Sometimes," he started, "there's nothing you can do."

Chuckling humorlessly, Mishima nodded. "I had to break it off. He wasn't happy anymore, and no matter what I did, I couldn't figure out why he was so miserable to help him. We stayed friends, obviously, and he eventually got over me enough to encourage me to ask Futaba out. I can't even tell you how weird that was," he added with a nervous breath.

"We thought he was gonna shut down again when Mishima and Futaba started getting interested in each other, but he was doing great at the time," Ann interjected. "I think he was sober at the time, too. Mishima breaking it off seemed like a wake-up call, and he told me back then that he realized he needed to get it together. I was really proud of him, even if he wasn't... y'know, relying on us or anything. Sometimes that stuff has to come from inside. The two of us worked together to hook these two up. Set up blind dates and all that. It was kinda fun. I thought something clicked, and he was better." There was a wistful sadness to Ann's tone, and Yusuke figured it was because now she knew that she was wrong.

Futaba shrugged. "We all did, though. That's why when he started drinking again, none of us knew what to do. He says he doesn't have a problem, insists that he's okay..."

It was very much Ren's style to suffer in silence, while destroying himself from within. For the entire course of their friendship, Yusuke had watched him do it. Ren was an incredible person, but Yusuke could tell there was pain simmering beneath the surface. Given what the others were telling him now, Yusuke had a slightly better idea where that pain was coming from.

As grateful as Yusuke was for the information, there was one thing he needed to know. He met Mishima's gaze, uncertainty furrowing his brow. "Why are you telling me all this?" he asked.

"Because you might be able to do what I couldn't," Mishima explained. "You care a lot about him, don't you?"

Yusuke didn't answer, but he could feel a rush of heat flooding his cheeks.

The smile on Ann's face suggested that she saw the blush and knew what it meant. "Yeah. Yusuke cares about him a _lot_ ," she answered for Yusuke in a sing-song voice.

Mishima smirked. "He trusts you. He cares a lot about you, too. If anyone can get him to open up about everything, it's probably you," he told Yusuke with a shrug.

"And while you're at it," Futaba added, "maybe tell him he _doesn't_ have to carry everything on his own and he has you and us? 'Cause it's _really_ stupid that he tries to hold it on his own and ends up destroying himself."

Yusuke's brow furrowed. "I'm not sure... I'm uncertain why you think he would respond to me when he wouldn't respond to you. Surely you two were far closer than he and I are..." he speculated, casting Mishima a sidelong glance.

Puffing out a laugh, Mishima shook his head. "Trust me," he murmured, glancing down at his phone briefly, then back to Yusuke. "We weren't. It'll probably take effort, and he'll probably resist you... but I can tell just by watching you two when we're all hanging out that you care enough about him to stick around even when he resists you."

That much was true, Yusuke couldn't deny it. He also couldn't deny exactly how much he wanted to help Ren find inner peace. Not because Yusuke loved him, though that much was true as well. He wanted to help Ren so that maybe, possibly, Ren would finally allow himself to feel a fraction of the happiness he brought to others. It wasn't fair for someone as kind, as beautiful, as _wonderful_ as Ren to carry such intense pain.

With Yusuke's own dark-tinted past, he might not have been the right person to help on his own. However, their friends seemed convinced that he could somehow. Maybe Yusuke could convince him to seek therapy. Even if he couldn't, he would spend the rest of his days showing Ren how special he was, and trying to make up for the pain Ren experienced in his youth. Even though Yusuke was unsure if he was the right person for the job, he lifted his eyes to look at his friends and smiled nervously. 

"I will try."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it'll probably be controversial, to have everyone speak up on Ren's behalf here... but he probably never would have done it on his own. The others are really only looking out for him, I promise!
> 
> A million thanks, as always, to [Nada](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueCrownFics/pseuds/BlueCrownFics) for reading this over and making sure my Mishima was true to character! I appreciate it!

**Author's Note:**

> The [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXTAn4ELEwM) this fic is based on can be found here! The lyrics can be found [here](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/yearsyears/shine.html)!
> 
> FIND ME!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizibabbles) ;; [tumblr](http://lizibabbles.tumblr.com/)


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